Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
