he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
