Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
