You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
