Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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