Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
