just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
