i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
