I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
