Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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