Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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