Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
