I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
