I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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