Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
