i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
