fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
