OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
