apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
