Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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