I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
