White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
