Just cropdusted the office
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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