Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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