I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
