gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
