I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Soap is not a condiment
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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