I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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