I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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