I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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