You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Is it penis luge time yet?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
