Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
