I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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