She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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