I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
