I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
