Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Girls should come with a carfax report
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
