so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
