My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
