Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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