Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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