i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
