My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
