Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
