Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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