Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
