My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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