Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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