Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Randomize
