you turned your livingroom into a bong?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
