My first STD was from a foam party
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
