Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
