Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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