I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
PANTIES FOUND
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