So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
