Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
