Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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