i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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